Choices of My Life

Hey its been a long while since I've last "updated".Well, currently I'm having a not-so-3-months break. Hehe, although I don't have classes, I still have to go back to uni to finish up my final year project. Well, I've been doing some thinking lately, should I actually start a new life when I move into the next phase of my life which is the career path?

I dunno why sometimes my intentions are good but it gets backfired. Not once but many many times. The latest one was that I tot of surprising my friend abroad with a card and I was worried that his gf might get jealous. Well, you see, the thing is, I sent out few cards that day not specially to him alone. I jus wanna cheer him up but oh well, it got backfired. I am really sorry if I caused an unnecessary quarrel btw u n ur gf Micky. I wished I could make it up to both of u, but then again, I think better not. It might get backfired again.

I used to be cheerful, carefree but then nowdays, good deeds will be taken advantage of n it might BACKFIRED back at u. Notice the capital letter? Well, I've been keeping this for a long time. I guess its time for me to tell it out. A lot of things happened this year or more specifically, this semester. It started off with me being a busybody trying to oppose the collection of class fund for the photostate materials this sem. Its not that I opposed for the fun of doing it. I did it because I strongly believe that our class fund have remainder that's enough to cover our materials for another semester. I went n asked few people whether they agreed to stop paying. And all I can say that it backfired. I was the one that was being blamed for spreading this "rumours" and I was being called coward. Well, I don't mind all this name calling, I've been labelled a lot worst than this. Its right for SC to call me a coward as when I reflect back, I let her do all the confrontation n I was jus at the back listening. I wish I can apologize to three of u but I think you all dont wan to c the sight of me yet Im sorry all the same. N as for CH, I wanted to apologize to her badly, but I don't think she will accept my apologies. I jus hope that someday, she will understand why I did this. I regret that we aren't friends anymore. As for other classmates who jus happened to choose side against me, I don't hold anything againts any of them. Why u may ask? Its their freedom to choose to believe but yet again, I jus wished they will asked me. A close friend of mine jus told me, it might be a good thing that some aren't friends anymore. Yea, well wut can I say bout this except to regret it?

Another incident that really saddened me is that I'm not that close to my used-to-be close friend/ confidante anymore. More specifially, we are more of a hi-bye friend now. How did it happened u may ask. It started with her dating for the first time. Well, don't take it the wrong way. She jus thinks that I depended too much on her (let me assure u that I am not dependent on anyone). When I used to date, she will sulked and jus find fault with me for going out for a date. N now after she started dating, she said that I was too dependent n she wants me to learn to be independent but the steps that she took is a bit hurting for me. Well, I was not angry with her for sort-of "abandoning" me n going out but I was furious that she told the problem I told her to another friend of hers. I entrusted her with the secret n she told the other girl n worst, she's really devoted to this gal's words. This gal suddenly said that she thinks me n my friend smsed each other too much. N my friend came n told me the same thing n added a line that goes 'I think we should stop sms-ing each other too often'. I was really hurt that us sms-ing got anything to do with the gal n my friend actually listened to her without considering my feelings. N me, dumped aside. We don't sms at all nowadays, my problems remain my problem and I keep to myself nowadays. Once, she came to talk to me when I was in the library after 3 weeks without contact, boy was it awkward. I can feel that I was being really fake to try to talk to her.

One should not hate but to love, yes? But how can I love all these individuals for all the disappointment they brought onto me? But again, I don't hate them. Its because of all my actions that they took this step. I really dunno whats going on with me. I wasnt like that. Blame it on me for being busybody or what not. I really needed a fresh, a new life away from all this. Far far away. I wished that I do not exist but yet, life has been wonderful so far with friends that trusted in me n guided me when I needed it, friends that laugh and cried with me, I really appreciate ur friendship. To those that hurt me or to those I've hurt, I still treasure the friendship we once had n will treasure it forever. I jus want to start anew. I believe, to them life will be better without me around.

I guess I will be signing off with a big apology to every individual I've hurt. I do not n dare not asked for ur acceptance but please believe or try to believe that this is a sincere apology to each and everyone. And again, this post might backfired n get some ppl angrier. I do not intend for that to happen. Forgive me if this post hurts any of u. I am sorry from the bottom of my heart.